I feel fantastic. I officially decided that I no longer want to be a surgeon two days ago and I’ve never felt better. I feel like I can breathe again, like so much of my anxiety has just dissipated and I can fully enjoy my uni course because I do enjoy the work when you take away the immense amount of pressure I was putting on myself to do perfectly. 

I feel really good. Like I can aspire to be a happy, healthy, twenty year old and I can enjoy being around myself and start to enjoy being around others as well.

For the first time since I was fifteen, I feel hopeful that happiness and wellness are in my grasp.

I just want to come out to my best friend but it’s been so long and I know it’ll be totally fine I’m just nervous cause it’ll be so abrupt and ugh I hate this

tumblr should make it so that you can follow a tag (so it comes up on your dash)

I let myself down yesterday. I’m sick of this cycle where I get motivated and feel like I can see success just around the corner and then I completely break down and give up. It’s so annoying and it’s been going on for too many years.

I saw my best friend the other day. She’s a quite sensitive, emotional girl who is extremely social and loveable. She has so much confidence, and can’t understand nearly all of my problems because she has never really experienced letting herself down in such a way, she has never really experienced being sad all the time for no reason, she has never really experienced feeling so anxious that the only solution is to mentally block all responsibilities and crawl into bed and watch TV for 15 hours. I say this because she tells me this, I’m not just assuming. When I tell her these things she looks so sad and confused. She tries so hard to help but in the end, I’m not totally in control, or if I am I really don’t know the right way to deal with it. 

It was just very overwhelming to talk to her. We only had an hour because we’re both so busy with uni, and she was just so confident, and she’s stopped being friendly to everyone. She’s so harsh in a fantastic, I don’t have to put up with your bullshit because I’m fantastic kind of way (to others, not me). She’s such a special girl and she’s taking on life so well. I can’t help but notice that I haven’t really changed in the last 5 years. I have grown, and I’m a lot more mature but my fundamental problems are still very much problems and I don’t know what to do about it.

I went to the doctors today to sort out my anxiety and depression! It feels so great to finally be doing something about this. I love my doctor and she referred me to a psychologist  but I can go wherever I want if I don’t like them. I also opened communication to my mum about my anxiety. I think that it’s really good for me to tell people about it because when I bottle it up I tend to think of myself as a victim, but when I talk to people about it it becomes a whole lot more manageable.

Having a good day, although I can’t stop fidgeting and picking at myself because I’m so anxious. Still in a good mood and focussing on my breathing and counting. Also I haven’t felt a smidge of depression in the past week!

I feel so anxious I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be making it through for anymore.

I need to think of better ways to deal with stress and disappointment than eating copious amounts and crying.

Ohhhhhhhkkkay. My roommate came back yesterday and said she was coming back for at least today and the problem is that I wasn’t ecstatic to see her, I’m not in love with her but my mood is immediately so much better. It’s like something really fundamental to my being is content when she’s around. It’s so weird because I almost don’t believe it’s her that affects my mood so much but it’s so obvious when I don’t see her for a while and I begin crying and give up on everything and fall into a huge rut then as soon as she’s back it’s as if that never happened and I feel so content. It’s wonderful because I’ve never felt content before but terrifying because she’s a bit of a flake and disappears so much. I don’t know if I should just accept it and be grateful that I’ve finally found something which is capable of making me happy, or if I should run because it has so much potential to become a destructive thing. 

I’m not even depressed any more. I thought that once the depression went away things would be better, but the scary part is that I still don’t enjoy life. It’s still a huge effort to get out of bed in the morning and to study and to talk to friends and to think about food and to keep trying to find the joy. The joy isn’t here and there’s no reason for it anymore and I’m starting to see that it doen’t really exist.

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))
coffee!

good god coffee is good

I am so confused. I’ve been depressed for years but recently come out of it. The main reason for that is I got a job that was really social and introduced me to new people and forced me out of my shell. So I haven’t been depressed for a little over a year. I have been sad and unmotivated and all that since but not depressed. Now when I say depressed, I mean self diagnosed because I could never muster the courage to go to a therapist. But I hated myself and cried a lot but then went through long stages where I couldn’t get out of bed and I wasn’t even sad I was just empty. But the common thread was that I couldn’t do anything because I was partially paralyzed by my mind. I sabotaged all my friendships and relationship with my family, I failed courses at uni and didn’t even blink an eye. I just couldn’t care about anything.
Now I’m living in fear that its going to return because I hated my life and I wanted to die. I even planned it and thought it through very specifically multiple times. But the present problem is that I don’t have my job and I’m back at uni and I am lonely. So lonely. And there’s this girl and I love her but I don’t think I have a crush on her. I live with her but I only see her once a week or so because she’s so busy. She makes me so happy, like no other person ever has. I just love being around her and I love hearing what she thinks and I love telling her what I think. My emotions are so strongly linked to this absent girl and although she’s the reason I felt what it was like to be happy for long periods of time for the first time in my life, she is also the reason I’ve been feeling sad and hopeless. I cry every day, just all the time and for no apparent reason. Life is now how it was before I met her but the thing is that I hated that life, and now I know what it’s like to be happy- really happy. I miss her so much and it ruins my emotional state when I go too long without seeing her because she’s amazing. I just really miss her.

The thing is that I don’t want to move on, I don’t want to keep trying so hard. I just want to spend time with her. I just want to do the things that make me happy instead of planning out the things that will work ‘in the long run’. There’s a reason I’ve been sad for all these years, and there’s a reason all these goals for ‘the long term’ never work. They’re idealistic and too ambitious. All I want to do is sit at home and have her with me and not hate myself so damn much for failing in all aspects of my life.

OMFG THERE’S A NEW NURSE JACKIE OUT I THOUGHT IT GOT CANCELLED

I’m lonely. It hurts in my chest and my arms feel too heavy.